This is taken with permission from another site. It is worth the read for parents adopting and even the family and friends of someone adopting from China so I thought I would post it for those you may want to read it. I recommend that at least family take time to read through it so as to be more prepared for what our daughter may go through when she first comes home. Thanks to those who take the time for this.
Sheryl
Below is a letter from Amy Eldridge, from Love Without Boundaries,
addressing the recent adoption disruptions and parental
preparedness. If you are reading this, think about posting it on
your site - a waiting parent who reads your blog may benefit from it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have been so saddened by this situation. I most definitely wish
there was a way to educate ALL adoptive parents about the truths of
institutional care, however I have come to realize in my daily work
that there are just as many parents who are not online reading
everything they can find on adoption as are.
There are hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of parents out there
who have no idea what life is like for a child in an orphanage, and
who head overseas to pick up their "China doll" only to be handed a
baby who is unresponsive, thin, unable to eat... and on and on and
on. While adopting my son last month, I walked several times over to
the White Swan to talk to parents, and over and over I spoke with
moms and dads who had no clue whatsoever about the issues their kids
were having. I heard so many times things like, "she won't eat solid
foods" (oral aversion), "she has no muscle tone" (muscle atrophy
from lying in a crib all day), "she won't smile" (pure grieving from
being taken from her foster mom). I guess since I live China 24/7, I
assume everyone adopting does, too, which is not the case.
I talked to at least a dozen parents who didn't even know their
child's orphanage name, and while I gently said "you might want to
memorize that for your child's sake", at the same time I was trying
to process how many parents get all the way to China without ever
reading about post-institutional issues. It was sobering to me.
Babies in the NSN (non special needs) as well as the SN (special
needs) path can have issues with attachment, motor skills, emotional
issues and more. I think all of us on the WCC (Waiting Children
China) list acknowledge that, while also acknowledging that all
children (whether bio or not) can have these same issues. Living in
an orphanage of course increases the odds.
I think the easy out is to say that agencies have to do more, as
well as social workers, but I do think that most of them do try to
give information to the parents but often parents don't want to hear
it or else think it won't happen to them. Again, I am often
surprised to talk to parents leaving soon and to realize they are
not prepared. One family was adopting from our foster care program,
and when I told them that the child was DEEPLY attached to the mom,
the father said, "guess she might cry for an hour or so then?" An
hour or so? She had been in foster care for over a year! I tried to
explain that this little girl was about ready to lose everything she
had ever known, and that they should not expect her to be sunny,
happy, and full of personality after an hour. I
told them to please remember the 72 hour rule.......that after 72
hours they would probably see her spark, but that she would probably
grieve for a long time after that as well.
I think for many adoptive parents, they just don't want to read
the "bad stuff", and so I do think that ultimately it is the parents
who are at fault for not doing more to educate themselves. There
certainly are books galore out there about post-institutional
issues. I equate this to when I was pregnant with my kids and I
would read "What to Expect When Expecting", and I would get to the C-
section part and always skip it. Each and every time I would jump
to the next chapter as "that wasn't going to happen to me". Well, on
my fifth baby, when they were rushing me in for an emergency C
section, I sure was wishing I had read that section earlier! But at
that point in the OR, while they were strapping my hands down to the
table, it was too late, and so I felt complete panic when I could
have been prepared.
I think adoption from China is very similar to giving birth...it is
much more rosy to only read the happy stories on APC, but I now
encourage every family I meet to read the harder ones as well,
because if you are the family who is handed a child that is limp and
listless and who looks autistic, what you have learned in the past
will help you make the right decision for your family during those
very emotional first few days.
I have been called many times in the last few years by parents in
China worried about their children. I agree that having a support
network to help you through the initial time is essential. Everyone
should go to China with at least one phone number of someone they
can call if they are panicked upon meeting their new child. I
remember feeling so alone when I was handed my daughter and she was
so tiny and limp. Because our foundation often helps with the kids
who have been disrupted, I am aware that sometimes there are
children who have much more serious issues than originally
reported... and that is such a hard thing for a parent to
get to China and then discover their child is truly autistic or has
serious mental delays. I think everyone on both the China and
international side would agree that it is absolutely wrong of an
orphanage to not be honest in their reports, and no one would excuse
that, but I also know without a doubt that the majority of kids who
are disrupted are just suffering from institutional issues and would
catch up quickly in a loving home.
It is always a very sad day for the orphanage and everyone involved
when a child that they know is absolutely fine, but perhaps thin and
grieving, is returned by their new parents for being "delayed".
I think far too many people believe their child's life is going to
begin the moment they meet them. The truth is, and everyone must
realize it... a child's life is going on RIGHT NOW in China, and all
of their experiences are shaping who they are. The vast majority of
aunties that I have met in China are such kind and caring people,
but it absolutely is not the same as having a mom and dad at your
beck and call. I have had new parents call and say "we didn't think
living in an orphanage would affect her at all", and those
statements truly puzzle me. How could they not contemplate life in
an orphanage?
Walk through Babies R Us and you will see every gadget known to man
to make our children's lives here as ideal as possible. Now Americans
have two way video monitors, so that when baby awakens not only can
mommy see when to immediately rush in and comfort him, but she can
talk to baby so that he doesn't even have one single second where he
feels alone. How many new parents would have a newborn and then put
that baby in a crib 22 hours a day on their own? How many would only
feed their baby, even if they were really crying hard, every 8
hours? Or prop the bottle in her crib and then not watch to see if
she ever really ate?
Of course no one would do that...we feed newborns on demand, comfort
on demand, love continuously... and whether people want to recognize
it or not, that is NOT the life of an orphan in an stitution. ...even
when the aunties are as good as gold. I remember one night when I
took some volunteers in for the night shift in an orphanage, when
normally just a few aunties are working. One mom looked at me with
tears in her eyes as she slowly realized that it was absolutely
impossible with just two hands to feed every child, to comfort every
child, to soothe every baby who was crying. She said her heart was
aching to realize that her own daughter most likely had many, many
times where she cried without someone to comfort her.....and she
told me that for the first time she finally understood why her
daughter had such a deep seated fear of being out of her mom's sight.
The aunties are trying their absolute best, but that doesn't equal
mother/child care. I remember being in an orphanage in the north
this past winter and the aunties were so proud of how they had 6-8
layers of clothes and blankets on every baby to keep them warm. They
were swaddled so tight that they couldn't move, but it was freezing
in the orphanage and so the aunties wanted the babies to stay as
warm as possible. What alternative did they have? It really was
freezing there..I was cold in my wool coat, so the babies couldn't
be up and about with just 1-2 layers on, with the ability to move
their arms and legs. To stay warm they had to be immobile, and so of
course all of those kids have weak muscle tone. But the aunties were
truly trying their best, and when a parent is given one of those
beautiful children on adoption day, I am sure they will go back to
their room with concern and say "she can't sit up by herself..she
can't put weight on her legs". That is absolutely the truth, but she
also survived 10 degree weather in a very cold province
and she will catch up soon enough with parents to encourage her.
To not acknowledge that living in orphanage circumstances can cause
lower body weights, low muscle tone, inability to make good eye
contact is very sad to me. Can it be overcome? Most definitely! The
one thing I have learned over and over again about the kids in China
is that they are fighters and survivors. But for some reason, people
seem to want to ignore these issues in public forums.
Recently, one of our medical babies that we had met several times in
person was adopted, and we all knew that this child was
a "spitfire". When the family arrived and spent a few days with her,
they decided she was too much of a handful for them and they wanted
to disrupt. She absolutely was not what they expected. When they
called their agency, they were told they had two choices: adopt the
child, bring her to the US, and change their expectations of what
they were hoping for, or adopt the child, bring her to the US and
the agency would have a family waiting at the airport to adopt her
locally. Option three of leaving the child in China was never once
given. I admire that agency so much, as they were thinking of the
child and the child alone. The family followed through with the
adoption and handed the little girl to a new family upon her arrival
in the US. As horrible and tragic and emotional as it was for
everyone involved...I still feel this was the right decision
for the agency to make. It was done in the absolute best interest of
the child, who had waited a long, long time for a family. I wish more
agencies would advocate for the rights of the child, instead of
always seeming to give in to the parents, especially in those cases
when they know with absolute certainty that nothing is permanently
wrong with the child. Recently with another disruption, the agency I
spoke with told me that it was "easier" to just get the family a new
baby.
Sometimes easier does not equal right. The first baby who was
rejected has now been labelled "mentally challenged" even though the
agency knew the child was really going to be okay.
I think all of us, who do realize that delays occur and that babies
can usually overcome them, should be these children's advocates by
continually trying to educate new parents on what to expect in
China. By helping them be better prepared, we just might help stop a
disruption in the future. I love Chinese adoption with my whole
heart, and it is my life's work... but I also want every family who
goes to get their baby to go with their eyes open and to be as
emotionally prepared as possible, for the child's sake.
Amy Eldridge, Love Without Boundaries
